The First Day After

Dear Olivia,

Leaving you at the hospital was beyond difficult. I slept next to you in the hospital bed, held your hand all night and kissed you till my lips were numb. 

When it was time to say our final goodbye, I held your hand tight and asked you to tell Grandma Donna that I missed her and to please take extra good care of you. I also told you to tell her that I am angry that she now has you and I do not. 

I asked your nurse, Josh, to please stay with you and make sure that you got down to the hospital basement peacefully. Since you’ve rarely been scared of new environments and were being pushed on a bed with wheels, I figured you’d likely take joy in the ride and continue to be my strong brave girl.

Coming home to our house was as hard as leaving you at the hospital. Our Christmas tree and Menorah were still up. I had forgotten it was still holiday season time. Some of your gifts were still wrapped in the living room and of course many of your new toys were sitting around waiting to be played with. 

My heart hurts. I miss you, Livy. 

The tissue organ people called us about an hour after we got home. Your daddy took that call. We are happy that they can use your donated corneas and soft tissues immedately. It makes us feel good that you can continue to benefit yet another person in this world, even without being here.

I love you, but I feel very empty inside. I feel guilt, anger and regret when I think about the recent turn of events. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I would have slept in bed with you that last night. I wish I would have gotten up to check on you more.

While I am grateful to have been your mom I am sad that it was only for a very short time.

I wish I could go back to Monday and do it all over again. 


Your Mom 

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