Dear Olivia, I can't stand not having you here. I feel incomplete. I go from wanting to do an activity that I think will make me have happy thoughts of you to everything feeling pointless. I wanted to start working on the vegetable garden and your memorial garden, to at least designate the space and maybe … Continue reading Feels Like Forever

Dear Livy, Next Friday is your birthday. Of course it has to land on a Friday. That day of the week is determined to get the best of me. I haven't decided if I should stay home that day or go to work instead. The closer it gets the more anxiety I have. When I'm … Continue reading Changing Routine

Dear Livy, It's hard to describe how much I miss you. I can't get through a single day without crying. Sometimes I think I'm going to make it, but then I just crash. I either have to go to my car and let it out or shut my office door and hope no one walks … Continue reading Your School Community

Dear Livy, Sage missed having you with him today.  I had no idea how difficult going to "bone juice" without you was going to be for him...or me. You've been his IV role model. I hadn't realized it, but watching you get your IV first obviously made Sage stronger and more compliant when it came … Continue reading Bone Juice

Dear Olivia, It isn't easy to share with people who haven't heard that you're gone. I weathered the grocery store today and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't run into anyone we knew, but that we also wouldn't be asked by the store employees where you were. We live in a small town. People notice … Continue reading Finding the Right Words

Dear Olivia, I survived the Oakland Women's March. Auntie Allie met us there and as planned we also met up with your friend, Coltrane and his daddy, Oscar. It was great to see them. Oscar gave Sage a donut and all night I've been hearing about how yummy that donut was. Thanks, Oscar.  The March was … Continue reading Marching w/o You

Dear Olivia, Your ashes are ready. We're planning to go to Chapel of the Chines and pick them up after the Oakland Women's March.  I thought about picking them up before and having you March with us, but I'm scared they'll get hurt or damaged. It's suppose to rain again tomorrow and throughout the weekend. Have … Continue reading Friday’s

Dear Olivia, Mornings are lonely without you. Daddy and I wake up, take showers, make coffee and sit around. We are so programmed to get you up, ready for school, prepare your favorite oatmeal breakfast, do your hair and send you off to school with Miss Kimberly.  I look in your bedroom each morning and … Continue reading Overwhelming Emotions

Dear Livy, I went back to work this week. I took one of the blankets that Janet and Evelina made with your picture on it. It helps. It's laying on the big chair next to my desk. It also helps to see people wearing the rock bracelets that we made and gave out to all who … Continue reading Disabled & Proud

Dear Olivia, It was a long and stressful three-day weekend, but your brother is doing much better. His RSV is awful, but compared to yours maybe it isn't that bad. I don't know. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have Epilepsy. He's had fevers ranging from 101.0 to 104.1. It scared the shit out of me! … Continue reading PTSD