Passing Time

Dear Olivia,

I miss you. Going to sleep and waking up are the hardest parts of my day. It going to take a while to get me out of the routine of waking up early to make your breakfast and give you your morning seizure medication. Its only been two days, but this morning was the worst! 

I woke up at about 5:30am because I heard that breathing sound you made when I found you. The breaths that made my heart drop and rush to your room. I heard it and then I told myself I was hearing things. Then…I heard it again. I turned on the video monitor on my nightstand hoping it would lead to you. Instead, it was nothing. No one else was up so I got up and poured myself my first of three cups of coffee for the day. 

I’ve been focused on making the rest of your 300 rock bracelets for your Celebration of Life. I’m also making tiny little treasure envelops to place them in. Each envelope has been hand stamped with a message, “the hardest thing in life is saying goodbye to someone you love.” 

The message is an understatement, but gets the point across. On the other side it says, “remember me.” I wrote your full name underneath with your birthday date and departure date. 

My hope is that everyone who has ever known of you, in some shape or form, will know how special you were to me and will wear their bracelet as a way of showing they care. 

Great Aunt D, Auntie Helena and Gunel are all helping out with the project, but more importantly they’re keeping my mind busy and helping me focus on the countless things I love about you. 

Auntie Helena setup a system for our friends within a 70 mile radius  to be able to bring us dinners for a few weeks. She’s smart. The last thing your momma can do right now is think about feeding daddy and Sage or myself. Tonight, Aunt Allie and her momma, Lisa brought us dinner. It was as delicious as last nights dinner that Yomi and William brought us. You would have loved it. It was baked ziti pasta with loads of cheese. 

Olivia, my heart is going to hurt for a long, long time and I’m sure I’ll never feel the same again, but if you come visit me in my dreams it might make it ever so much easier on me. I just need to see you or hold your hand.  

I love you,

Momma

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