Dear Olivia,

I’m exhausted. I miss you so much and am trying to continuously stay busy to slow down the tears. I finished your memory bracelets today. There are 300 hundred of them. One for everyone who attends your Celebration of Life,  your classmates, some for your other school friends and of course your SNAP swim buddies. 

Mommy, daddy, Great Aunt D, Aunt Ari and Auntie Helena picked out your urn today. I picked the one with a leaf on it. It gave me an outdoors feeling, which I thought you’d appreciate. It’s green and gold. The contrast seemed like something you’d like. The process of picking it out and filling out all the paperwork was draining. I want to sleep, but sleeping isn’t easy…even when I am this tired. 

Olivia, I wish I would have gone to sleep with you the night after Christmas. I can’t get it out of my mind and I’m sure it’s why I’m having such a hard time sleeping now. I know that Dr. Hayward said it wouldn’t have made a difference, but not knowing is so hard. 

I miss you so much and can’t imagine what life is going to be like after your service. 

Always,

Momma