Everything Hurts

Dear Olivia,

I’m lonely. I want to get up and make your breakfast, prepare your meds, pack your lunch and send you off to school with a kiss.I want to do what I always do. I want to see your face light up and your arms jump as I open your bedroom door and say, good morning. I want to hear your humming and watch you walk to the bathroom when I get home and ask you if you want to take a bath. I want to read Miss Kim’s daily updates on how your day at school went. 

My heart hurts. 

Great Aunt D, Uncle Rick, Aunt Seana, Grandma Del and cousin’s Kai and Mia left today and for the first time I took a nap. I want to sleep away the pain or wake up and have you next to me. 

The non-stop rain we’ve been having since you left isn’t helping me feel any better. In fact, it’s making it more depressing than ever. I keep staring out the kitchen windows into the backyard thinking about you. I imagine how upset you’d be with all this rain because you wouldn’t be able to go outside and play. I keep thinking about how I’m going to feel when I do eventually go  out into the backyard, see your toys in the club house, your bike and car on the side of the house and somehow play with your brother…without you. Will it make me feel closer to you or will break me down further. 

I want to be preparing you to go back to school tomorrow. Winter break has ended and if you were here you would be so excited to go back to school. I should be writing in your classroom notebook, providing an update on all the things you did and accomplished over break. 

My heart hurts. It really, really hurts. 

I love you, Livy. 

Mom

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