Dear Livy,

You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that comes to mind when I lay my head down. Sleeping is here and there. Your pink blanket doesn’t help.  You’re on my mind throughout the day and I think that’s the way I want it. 

I left the house today. Partially to see how it would feel, but also to give Sage and Aria sometime away from the house. The rain hasn’t let up and we’re out of indoor activities to do. Okay, let me be real. Aria wants to do “projects” but I can’t right now. I tried. Art just doesn’t feel right. Aria, Chaddy, Alyssa and GG leave in a couple of days. It feels too soon. I wish they could stay. It’s been nice having them here to keep Sage, daddy and I company. I’m not ready for us to be alone. 

I can’t remember who in my family use to say it, but someone use to tell me that when someone dies and it rains, it’s the mother natures way of telling us how sad she is about it. Rain is depressing. I’ve never been a fan. 

We took Sage and Aria to the mall to ride the carousel, quarter rides and eat lunch. Each time I rolled by a children’s clothing store I thought about you. I loved dressing you up. I was looking forward to putting you in your Valentine’s Day and the 5th Birthday outfit that we found on Esty.  

I had two children because I never wanted you or your brother to be alone. Heck, I wanted more than two because I always felt like I had enough love to go around and I just love kids. Your daddy always said we didn’t make enough money for more than two kids and after your brother we didn’t have enough energy for a third. Today all I can think about is my first. 

I love you, Livy Lou.

We got a call from Chapel of the Chimes. They told us that your body was finally on its way. Your hospital autopsy is complete. We asked the hospital to do as thorough of an exam as they could. Since there is so little known about Schizencephaly we told them to find out as much as they could and to take their time. Our hope is that it will help doctors and other families understand more about their children or themselves, if they have it. Dr. Hayward also thought it was a good idea. Why not. We don’t know how long it will take to get the final report, but I’m sure it will be here before your birthday. 

Chapel of the Chimes will call us back when it time to come pick you up. We will keep you safe and warm at home until the Spring. In April, when we had planned to take you and Sage down to Oceanside to visit Legoland during Spring Break for the first time, we will instead make plans to have you buried with your grandma Donna and eventually great grandma Evelyn at Eternal Hills. 

I miss you.

Momma