Dear Olivia,

The feeling of emptiness I have is overwhelming. It’s hallow, dark and cold. The endless rain we’ve had is making me more and more depressed. 

Uncle Chaddy, Aunt Alyssa, Aria and GG are leaving tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to a quiet house. 

When I was a little girl I hated being alone. My favorite memories were when I was surrounded by family and friends, especially my cousins Eddie and Larry. There was nothing enjoyable about being home with no other kids. Your grandma Donna knew that I disliked it and every time she could tell that I was bored or lonely she would say, “Life isn’t always a party, Chris.” 

That statement has never left me. In fact, I’m pretty sure it influenced your dad and I having your brother. I never wanted to you to be an only child like I was…well until Uncle Chaddy was born, but I was sixteen then and life in high school was always a party. Having a sibling at that point was more like having a job. 

Having everyone here has helped me get through each day. I haven’t had a lot to say, but that’s been the beauty of having family here. I don’t have to talk or entertain them. Just sitting around in my PJ’s surrounded by them and there noise is all I’ve needed. 

Aria’s kept Sage busy and together they’ve made every mess possible. Aria’s sneaky. I’ve appreciated every second of it. She and your brother have loved playing with your toys, even the new ones that you never got a chance to play with after Christmas. Aria also made sure all your dolls were well taken care of. The four of them were well fed and changed, I’m not sure how many times. She called them all by the names you and I have given them; Jenna, Kathy, Caroline, and Baby Girl. 

I miss you, Livy. I miss you so much. 

I keep thinking about that last night that I put you to bed and gave you a kiss goodnight. I keep wondering if you were here or already gone when I called the Paramedics the next morning. How long had you already been in that seizure? How did you show no signs of being sick? I’ve always been able to tell when you’re not feeling right. Not knowing or understanding why this all happened makes me feel like such a horrible mom. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known.  

Momma