Happy Thoughts

Dear Livy,

I felt okay today. I went to Michael’s this morning and bought some permanent black markers. I find that if I work on a project that makes me think happy thoughts about you it helps me get through the day.  Remember all the rocks we bought and had people decorate for you at your 3rd birthday party? The ones your dad and I had to move from your favorite spot on the deck because you and Sage found that it was fun to through them, and I was scared to death that one of you was going to break from them. Well all those rocks were painted with water base paint, so they’re all plain white again. That’s why I decided to buy permanent markers to decorate and write on them in your memory. When I’m done, I’m going to place them in a special place in the garden so I can lookout and think about you in your favorite place…outside in the dirt. I’m also going to add a few other items and make it your memorial garden. I’m not sure what all I’ll add, but I’ve been giving it some thought and pinning about it. 

The rain has finally taken a break. You would have hated being coped up inside all week. Your favorite places in the backyard are soaked and it will take days for everything to dry out. I went outside and sat where you like to sit and thought about running my fingers through the bark, but I couldn’t. I’m not that strong and well…you know I’m not much of a dirt fan. It did however feel good to be where you would have wanted to be. It made me think about where I wanted to build your memorial. I want it to be visible, but not played with…too much. I mean, I want Sage and your friends to know why it’s there and touch it if it makes them think happy thoughts of you, but I don’t want anyone to ruin it. Of course Zane is likely going to pee on it regardless of where I place it, but I’m going to make myself believe that, that is his way of saying he also misses you. 

I miss you. I miss you so much that I can’t sleep. I keep thinking I hear you humming or that I can’t turn my back to the bedroom door because you’re gonna come through any minute. I wish you would. 



One thought on “Happy Thoughts

  1. Meriah Nichols says:

    I hear you, friend.

    I too, go through a near-daily thing of wondering ‘what if’. All of the things that I might have done differently that would have led to my brother NOT being there in that place the day he was shot.

    The only thing that has helped me are the Abraham Hicks You Tube videos. This one in particular: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMX-pohH08M

    I am still convinced that Dana sent me “Proof of Heaven” and it has also helped me so much – the Audible in particular because it has an hour at the end that the book doesn’t have: https://www.amazon.com/Proof-Heaven-Neurosurgeons-Near-Death-Experience/dp/B009UX6NGI/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1478352620&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=doozeedad-20&linkId=4a27b73dca02fc440252664278ebbe76

    I also started a shrine, which has helped, and lighting candles helps.

    Most recently though is meditating for the first 15 minutes every day. I roll out of bed and immediately sit and meditate for 15 minutes. I’ve realized in doing so that I do dream about Dana every night, but he’s woven into my brain and I always forget the dreams if I don’t mediate first thing.

    Last, I know that if I think he’s gone, it’s just unbearable. Literally. So I’m re-training myself like my mother is also, to just think of him by our sides all the time. With us. Here. We have to get to know him in a different way. It’s so so difficult but I have to do this.

    So much love your way, my dear Friend. I think of you throughout each day, sending you my love.

    xoxo Meriah


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