Dear Olivia,

Your ashes are ready. We’re planning to go to Chapel of the Chines and pick them up after the Oakland Women’s March. 

I thought about picking them up before and having you March with us, but I’m scared they’ll get hurt or damaged. It’s suppose to rain again tomorrow and throughout the weekend. Have I mentioned how over the rain I am? 

I haven’t made any signs for the March. It wasn’t till about two days ago that I decided we should go. We have to go. I don’t even have to explain to you why. We’ve talked about it. What I can tell you is that Sage is looking forward to it. He’s got his “Catboy” beanie and that’s all that matters. He hasn’t participated in as many Marches as you have and we’ve heard this one is going to be a BIG ONE. We’ll have to see how he handles it. We’re Marching with your friend, Coltrane and his daddy, Gram, plus a small group of other close family friends. 

Today marks four weeks since we said goodbye. Friday’s use to be my favorite day of the week. Now I’m not so sure sure how I feel about them. A few friends called and texted me to see how I was doing. I appreciate that they care and are taking time out of their day to say hi. I’ve never been a good poker player, so when people ask I try to slowly say, I’m okay…without crying, but it’s impossible. I just don’t know what to say that will make it less painful. It’s kinda like when people say, Good Morning. I can’t stand it. I just reply by saying, hi. What I really want to say is something like…no, it’s not a good morning, in fact it sucks, but I stop myself. I don’t want people to think I’m a complete bitch when they’re trying to make me feel better. I’d probably do the same thing if I were in their shoes.

I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a few close friends over for your birthday to work on your memorial garden. I hope it’s not raining that day. We’re also going to let ladybugs go in your memory. I asked if we could plant a tree at your school and they said, yes. We may not do it the same weekend, but I’m looking forward to it. We might also put a plaque on it with your picture and name. I think it’s very generous of your school to let us do that. I thought it would be a wonderful way to remember you because I know how much you love school.

Four weeks and it still feels like yesterday. It’s hard. I miss my little girl so much.  

Always,

Momma