Marching w/o You

Dear Olivia,

I survived the Oakland Women’s March. Auntie Allie met us there and as planned we also met up with your friend, Coltrane and his daddy, Oscar. It was great to see them. Oscar gave Sage a donut and all night I’ve been hearing about how yummy that donut was. Thanks, Oscar. 

The March was amazing! It was a last minute decision to go and I’m glad we did it. I still can’t believe how many people were there or how long it took us to actually start Marching. Moving is difficult when you have thousands of people jammed in one area, but it was so, so beautiful. There was so much solidarity and love in that space. It felt like everyone was looking out for each other and enjoying the fact that we were all there for similar reasons: civil rights. I couldn’t have been in a better place. Grandma Sal came with us and even she loved it. She had one of the best signs. It represented grandmas, elders, seniors and bubbies. She was such a trooper. She never complained, asked to take a break or put down her sign. She was a proud Jewish Gram. 

At one point during the March we realized we were marching behind Robert Reich. We tried to get a photo with him, but lost him. The crowds were unbelievable! 

When we reached our limit and the rain started we headed back to the car and treated Sage to Fenton’s. It was well deserved. He stayed on momma’s lap most of the day and just took it all in. We didn’t get a chance to see the rally. By the time we got to that point is was ending.

Your daddy and I talked about what the March would have been like if you were with us and we came to the conclusion, rather quickly, that you would not have been happy. It was super stimulating in a wide variety of ways. You would have been beside yourself at lunchtime. Of course I had snacks and I would have had your meds (if you were there), but your routine meal at lunchtime would have been impossible. There was no way we could have just gotten out of that crowd to feed you. Between that, the noise and the cold weather you would have been miserable and I would have been stressed out to all hell because of it. Knowing you would have had a hard time there makes me feel less guilty for being a part of it. 

It was a difficult conversation. It made me feel sad, but for a variety of reasons, not just the obvious. Doing things without you….well its different. It’s going to take a long time to get use to it and it makes me uncomfortable to think about it, but writing about it and being honest about my feelings in words is what helps right now.   

We ended the day by picked up your ashes. Sage asked what picking up your ashes meant. We explained to him that we were picking up your spirit. That it’s a special box that would make us feel happy and think about you all the time. After 29 days your finally back home with us. The keepsake box we picked out for you is perfect. It’s green with gold leaves on it. The contrast is great and everything about it says outdoors, just the way you would want it. 

I love you, Livy. 

Love,

Momma

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