Dear Livy,

Next Friday is your birthday. Of course it has to land on a Friday. That day of the week is determined to get the best of me. I haven’t decided if I should stay home that day or go to work instead. The closer it gets the more anxiety I have. When I’m home I try hard to think positive things and imagine that your spirit is with me.  I also work harder to keep myself engaged with Sage. He often catches me crying and tries to make me feel better by smothering me with hugs and kisses. Even though he continues to get the same answer he insists on asking me why I’m crying.  I tell him, I miss Livy. 

In the bathtub when he plays with the foam letters he picks out the “O” and says, “O” is for Olibia. It’s adorable. I’m entertained by the fact that he knows the first letter of your name before his own. 

Your dad and I talk about you all the time. We talk about all the subtle and noticeable differences there are in our lives without you, like how we don’t have to pull up the blinds, wrap the cord and tie it anymore to keep it all out of your reach or how we can keep the front door open as we’re unloading the car because we don’t have to worry about you getting out and hurting yourself or not being able to find you. We’re still working to find our new routine and I’m personally trying to get your medication times out of my head. On days that I’m home and 1:30 hits I instantly want to grab for Depakote, apple sauce and spoon. If I’m not home at 6:30pm I start getting nervous about your dinner and night medication being late. 

On Wednesday, your dad, brother and I went to the Embarcadero to see a documentary screening on inclusive education. It was wonderful! We got a chance to see some friends we have not seen in years. I thought about you throughout the night and on my ride home I realized how I would have been much less likely to attend if you were here. It hurts to be honest and think about it that way, but it’s real and makes me feel horrible. I would stay home with you any night over an evening event and 99% of the time did when you were here. Either that or I took you with me, but we both know how stressful that sometimes was for us. 

I think about everything we did that last day you were here, really here, Monday, December 26th and every time I think to myself I wish we would have done more than the usual. I wish I would have taken pictures or videos that day. You were so happy and everything seemed so good. Maybe Monday’s should be my favorite day of the week. Your brother was born on a Monday.

Love you,

Momma