Dear Olivia,

I’m up, sitting on the couch staring at your school picture in front of me. Your dad and I had a very hard time sleeping last night. 

You know how much I enjoy celebrating birthdays, especially yours and your brothers. While I don’t get to go all out by putting you in your birthday outfit or send you off to school with cupcakes and a crown, I am working hard to try and make myself think about the very fun times I’ve had as your mom celebrating you.

I’m not decorating the house or having anyone over other than family, but in time I hope to be able to do something bigger and better in your memory…someday. I will let ladybugs go in the backyard and attempt to work on your memory garden on Saturday, if it’s not raining. Yes, the rain is still here. 

If you are by chance with Grandma Donna, (I hope you are), then I know you’re having the best party ever!. After all, where do you think I got my party planning skills from. Grandma Donna use to go all out for me when I was young girl and I’m sure she’s doing the same for you. 

I didn’t expect any of the usual birthday cards that typically come for you today, but we did get a few thoughtful text messages,  calls, emails, flowers, plants, books and thinking of you cards. In fact, there’s only been one day since you left that we have not received some sort of card or note expressing sympathy. Livy, there are so many people in this world that loved you. It was hard to respond or talk to anyone, but to an extent I did it. Although I know people may understand or want to make me think they understand how I’m feeling, I responded because I feel like I have to say or do something. It’s just part of who I am and I am genuinely grateful for the all the support, but it still hurts like hell. 

Some of the most thoughtful people currently in our lives are either those we have never met, hardly knew or those we spent little time with when you were alive. They have become truly wonderful and have shown us the meaning of friendship and support. Many of them have children and while I’m happy that they can’t relate to me I’m sure they can imagine what it feels like. I’ve received a number of emails from families in your swim program who have been through what we’re going through. Although difficult to read, those email have made me feel less alone. Speaking of swimming, Sage starts SNAP this weekend. I wish the two of you were going together. It’s going to be difficult to be there without you, but I also know how much you loved your SNAP family and would want us to stay involved. My hope is that your favorite swim teacher will also be Sage’s teacher. 

I love you, baby girl. I wish we could have celebrated another birthday together. I’ll never forget the overwhelming happiness you brought me the day you were born and everyday after. 

Love always,

Momma