Dear Olivia,

It was wonderful to make people smile in your memory today. Your teachers and classmates seemed happy to get the Valentine’s cards and eat your favorite pasta. Teacher Margot sent me a picture of all your school providers wearing the “Proud” t-shirts we gave to each of them this past Christmas. You know, the purple ones that read, “Proud Teacher,” “Proud Paraprofessional”, “Proud OT” and so and so on. I bought you a t-shirt too, which matched theirs. It’s also purple, but it just says, “Proud” on it. What’s up with that color purple? It wasn’t your favorite and isn’t mine, but it keeps coming up in relation to you everywhere. Although you never got the chance to wear your t-shirt I did decide to keep it. I hung it in the back of the closet with the Zoo Keeper costume you wore last Halloween. It didn’t go into your keepsakes bag or your personalized suitcase, that I’ve slowly been packing up this week. I was thinking about giving your t-shirt to one of your friends. Maybe someone at SNAP. 

Speaking of proud, I was excited to be turn 40, this year. I was looking forward to planning my big birthday bash and celebrating. 2016 was an awful year for many reasons. Even before you passed away it was terrible! As ugly as the year was I felt like I had so much to be personally thankful for. I thought bringing people together to let loose and smile would be the best way to recuperate from all of the 2016 yuckiness. Again, that was before you left. The thought of organizing anything celebratory now makes my stomach hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I am not and have never taken for granted the privelage of aging. I’m also not the type of person to ever feel sorry for myself, (I have been faced with an amazing amount of hurtles to not feel proud and accomplished of who I am), but putting a party together after your passing and not having you there to also show off feels out of place and not what I am about. Spending any free or extra time I have available with your dad and Sage is so much more important. And when I’m not doing that, I’m counting down the days till I get to hold you in my arms again. 

I miss you so much, Olivia! I think you might have come into my dream the other night or maybe tried to? It was startling, but in a good way. I’ve been hoping you’d visit, but when you did I think I scared you away. The feeling I had of you next to me was so powerful it literally shook my body. I’ll admit it also scared me. I sat up so quickly and then…you were gone. If that was you I hope you visit again very soon. Next time I’ll be more prepared. 

Love you,

Momma