Nothing’s Okay

Dear Livy,
Whoever said grieving comes in waves was one hundred percent correct. My heart and mind have been full of giant tsunami size waves these last few days. I’ve felt like you died all over again. I’ve been consumed by emotions and everything I do or look at somehow reminds me of you. I’m having a grieving setback and am back where I started…unable to move forward or think about my life without you. Deep breathing isn’t helping at all and whenever I see a young person, especially a girl, with developmental disabilities I just lose it. 

I’m angry! I’m so upset that all the work we did together to make sure you had the best life possible has gone to shit. I didn’t work that hard to have you taken away from me. I don’t deserve this. 

All week I’ve been thinking about your fascination with light and as stupid as it may sound, I keep thinking about movies where people die and move towards the light. After four long days in the hospital, your longest stay ever, I keep wondering if it was it the light that got your attention and took you away? I just can’t make sense of it and when you lose someone you care so deeply about your mind starts to drift in all sorts of directions. 

I’m tired of feeling constantly vulnerable. I try hard to make it look like I’m okay and to get through each day without making those around me feel uncomfortable or awkward. I’m also very conscious of the fact that my crying tends to make others cry and I don’t want that either. I don’t want people to feel like I feel. I want to be okay and go a day or two without breaking down. I just want to hold you, take your picture and make your next therapy appointment and feel like your mom again. 

I want you here with me. I miss you. 

One thought on “Nothing’s Okay

  1. louisarobertsmlis says:

    Grief doesn’t make sense. The waves are horrible, and shocking, and no one really tells you that you can’t do much when they happen. I once cried because of a real estate sign of all things. I know we’ve never really talked, but I think about you and your family all the time. My dad (Bob Roberts) loved Eli so much (like the son he always wanted only better). Seeing Eli get married to you (exactly the woman my dad dreamed Eli would meet one day) and have beautiful children, made me happy and proud on his behalf. I know if he was alive he would want to be there for you guys. I would really love to be there for you. I’m just going to put that out there, and hope to see you all again one day. Lots of love, Lou


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s