Whoever said grieving comes in waves was one hundred percent correct. My heart and mind have been full of giant tsunami size waves these last few days. I’ve felt like you died all over again. I’ve been consumed by emotions and everything I do or look at somehow reminds me of you. I’m having a grieving setback and am back where I started…unable to move forward or think about my life without you. Deep breathing isn’t helping at all and whenever I see a young person, especially a girl, with developmental disabilities I just lose it.
I’m angry! I’m so upset that all the work we did together to make sure you had the best life possible has gone to shit. I didn’t work that hard to have you taken away from me. I don’t deserve this.
All week I’ve been thinking about your fascination with light and as stupid as it may sound, I keep thinking about movies where people die and move towards the light. After four long days in the hospital, your longest stay ever, I keep wondering if it was it the light that got your attention and took you away? I just can’t make sense of it and when you lose someone you care so deeply about your mind starts to drift in all sorts of directions.
I’m tired of feeling constantly vulnerable. I try hard to make it look like I’m okay and to get through each day without making those around me feel uncomfortable or awkward. I’m also very conscious of the fact that my crying tends to make others cry and I don’t want that either. I don’t want people to feel like I feel. I want to be okay and go a day or two without breaking down. I just want to hold you, take your picture and make your next therapy appointment and feel like your mom again.
I want you here with me. I miss you.