You’re Still in Control

Dear Olivia,

Almost three months later and you are still dictating our schedules. I can’t seem to stop giving your brother his bath before dinnertime. My guess is that most people probably give their children a bath after they eat and get dirty, but we’ve never done that. We’ve always done it the other way because your medication, after dinner, would make you too sleep during a bath. The good news is Sage likes it the way it is and if we switched it now we’d both be completely confused. 

Your dad says there is one thing that has changed over the last nine weeks and that’s our level of patience. Apparently Sage and I have none. We’re all business all the time, and without you here we are full steam ahead! Your daddy says that he misses you slowing us down and making us enjoy the small stuff that we’d never notice if it weren’t for you. I agree with him. I miss that too. 

Last week was a struggle and I’ve been mentally preparing myself for what is coming tomorrow. I’m either going to handle it like a champ or lose my shit, again. I’m going to be surrounded by other parents, parents who have children with disabilities. A lot of people are likely going to want to bring you up or flat out avoid the conversation. Whichever way it goes is what I’m going to attempt to roll with. Help me, Livy. Be strong with me as I enter the room and try to go about my day like you’re not constantly on my mind. Like I haven’t just lost my daughter, like I’m not a blink away from breaking down one more time. Tell me I can do this too. 

I am aware that I’m never going to be the same person I was on Christmas or the day after. I just want to be okay. 

I love & miss you with all my heart. 

Always,

Momma

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