Staying With Me

Dear Olivia,

There are advantages and disadvantages to people knowing that you’ve passed on. It’s been played out this week. I’ve come to realize that sometimes it makes getting through a day easier, when people know, because they’re more understanding. When they don’t know they seem annoyed and less patient with me. I’ve been known to be much more on top of it, but the thing is, either way, I don’t care. 

I’ve decided that I can’t burry your ashes with Grandma Donna. I’m selfishly keeping you at home with me and when I die you’ll be put to rest with your dad and I. I don’t care if it’s not right or doesn’t sound normal, it’s what I want. That little box of ashes is all that I have left, and I’m not going to let it go. Your dad and I plan to look at grave site options for ourselves while we’re down in Oceanside next month. We’re still planning to spend what should have been your Spring Break in San Diego with family and close friends. Great Aunt D, Rick and Aria are meeting us there. Everyone misses you so much. I’m sure it will be difficult to not think about what the trip would have been like if you were with us. Great Aunt D is gonna miss your habits, especially your demand to play in the van at the most ridiculous times of day. I’m going to miss everything about you because that’s what I miss everyday. 

Today is Grandma Donna’s birthday. She would have been 56 years old. I usually take her birthday off from work, but not this year. Staying home isn’t easy for me these days and besides, I like to believe that your both together, so there’s no reason for me to stay home and mourn when your likely having a great time. I’m still playing catch up at work and DCAD is coming up, which you know keeps me busy as a bee. 

I’ll be thinking about you and Grandma Donna today. Eight years without her has seemed like a lifetime. I find myself thinking about the two of you together several times a week. Sometimes it makes me happy, other times it makes me jealous. I miss you both so much. Tell Grandma Donna that today…she’s winning.  Then tell her I posted a great 80’s picture of me and her that always makes me smile. 

I love you, Livy.



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