Countless Impacts of Loss 

Dear Olivia,
I did it again. I got on the plane this morning and sat next to a lady that couldn’t stop talking. First she wanted to know why I was little, then she wanted to know if it was genetic.

 I’m generally okay educating random strangers because my personal feeling is that if they have the guts to ask, and they ask in a way that isn’t rude or insensitive, I will usually answer, but it also depends how I’m feeling. It’s the people who you can tell want to ask, but are embarrassed or just don’t know what to say that make things weird. 

Anyhow, the lady then asked if I had children and if you both were also disabled. Without hesitation I said, yes and yes. I explained that in many ways disability is our families normal. She nodded and then asked her final question. How old are your children. 

For a split second I thought about that question and then the words “four” and “two” rolled off my tongue. I wasn’t up for talking much after that. It was the first time that a stranger had asked me about your ages and I felt like I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t want to tell her that you recently passed away and I guess I just felt more comfortable saying you were four. I don’t know why I did it. 

Am I going to say you’re four forever?

Saying “five” doesn’t feel right, not right now. 
When I left the house this morning your brother woke up and gave me a kiss goodbye. Before my plane took off your dad sent me a text saying that Sage had an emotional morning after I left. This is my first overnight trip away from home since staying with you in the hospital. I don’t want Sage to think that when mom and dad don’t come home at night it means they’re never coming back again. I plan to FaceTime him tonight so he can see that I’m okay and that I’m only on a work trip. I can’t imagine how saying goodbye makes him feel. Maybe next time I’ll just say, “see you tomorrow.” 

Livy, you continue to impact our lives in so many ways. I hope you know how much you are loved and thought about each and everyday.

Love,

Momma 

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