Dear Olivia,
I’ve experienced many things in life. Yet there has been nothing more life changing than losing you. I’m sure this is true for most parents who have experienced the loss of a child. I know I’m not alone, but it feels very lonely where I’m at. I don’t want to be so depressed, but sometimes it’s impossible to make it go away. Since you left I’ve tried to focus on living the moment, as much as I can. 

Every morning when your brother wakes up I hold him in my arms, on my lap, his head on my shoulder for as long as he wants. There’s no more rushing to the next thing. We just take it all in and move forward when we’re both ready. Your loss has made me understand how much more important it is to just love…for as long as I can. It sounds cliche, but the truth is we really don’t know what tomorrow brings. If we did know I would have done a million different things when I put you to sleep that final night.

Vacation still seems so yucky without you. My hope is that it takes me over the deep grieving hump I’ve been trapped in these last couple weeks. The tears have to stop eventually, right? 

This is a transition period and while I’m always talking about transition this and transition that, I want this transition to end. I’m tired. I want a break from change. While our family is slowly trying to move forward we are also preparing for another change. Miss Kimberly is leaving. She’s moving to be closer to her momma. We support her in her decision, but know that we will be dealing with both a different kind of loss and new stress as we prepare Sage for a new childcare situation. 

Nothing in life is ever easy, but I do like those short breaks that we get once in a while that at least make me feel like everything’s going to be alright. 

I love you, Liv.

Love,

Momma