Dear Livy,
After shock comes numbness. I know this because it’s where I’m at. I care, but I don’t care. I just feel like I’m going through the motions that are expected of me. 

Vacation is what I expected…different. There’s no structure. I miss that. Hardly anything we do anymore is based on your schedule. I still get stressed out when we don’t eat dinner by 6:30. I try my best to just go with the flow and act like I don’t care, but inside I do. It makes me think about you. Your brother doesn’t seem to mind it, so maybe it’s not as bad as I feel it is. Sage just wants “friends” around him. He loves being in the company of other children. He keeps asking me if cousin, Aria, is going to come home with us. 

Sage and Aria have been collecting rocks on the beach for you. They set them next to your photo and urn, which we brought with us. They say the rocks they pick out for you are the best and they are. They also kiss your urn and ask questions like, “what are ashes?”

I’ve tried my best to explain without scaring them. Aria didn’t like the explanation. I’m sure a four year old processes it a little different than your two year old brother who just thinks you live in a box. 

The numbness I have has made me less emotional and not as present. It’s a strange feeling. I’ve never had it before. It’s been good to get away and take a break from the busy day to day stuff, but it hasn’t changed the way I’ve been feeling. 

I still miss you just as much I did the first day you left. 

Love you,

Momma