As I rolled through the front door this evening I had this out of the blue urge to hug you. I looked at your picture on the table, took in a deep breath, held it and then bottled it up long enough to get settled in.
I came home and imagined you’d be here. I didn’t even think twice about it. I don’t ever get that feeling, but I did and it felt so real. I felt like everything was back to the way it was. It felt so relieving. All I wanted to do was reachout, pull you onto my lap and wrap my arms around you.
Yesterday I took what I consider a big step. I called and talked with a Bereavement Counselor. I’ve hit a point where very few people feel comfortable talking about you with me and in turn there are even fewer people that I feel comfortable talking to about you. The challenge is I don’t want to not talk about you. It’s not healthy for me. I just need to find the right person or people to talk to. People that know what to say or how to respond to me. Apparently this is all very normal for people who are grieving. Especially when a young child is involved.
The bereavement counselor was helpful and gave me some suggestions on where I might find additional support. She also walked me through the difference between grief and depression, which allowed me to understand more about the grieving process and that I’m not depressed, it just feels that way because of all the lows. I signed up for a 6 week grieving class, but it doesn’t begin till Fall. However, that might be beneficial. I think extra support during the holiday seasons will be good.
Easter was a bust, but I tried. Sage got a basket. There was no special dinner or clothes and less than four photos taken. Instead there was a three hour nap in the middle of the day that allowed me to just get through it.
That need to hug you was so real. I hugged Sage in your absence and told him that I love him and love you. I told him the hug I was giving him was for both of you.
I love and miss you beyond words, Livy.