Dear Olivia,
A friend of mine told me that I should write the letters I want to write and say what I need to say. That I should get it out of my system, all of it! Then rip it up and throw it away. 

I did it and I didn’t think it would make me feel better, but it helped and it felt great! These were letters to people (family members) who hurt me most when you passed away. 

There was no reason to mail the letters. The people they were addressed to would not have been phased by them and frankly that would have only upset me more, especially if they tried to make contact now. Even though they weren’t mailed they took weight off my shoulders and that’s what I needed. Ripping them up with the added bonus. 

I’m not the same person I was last year and I’m never going to be that person. Losing a child, you my sweet girl, is more than life changing. It’s left me with a indescribable powerless feeling that has made me think about everything differently. 

I’ve been sick in bed all day and when I’m not sleeping I’m thinking about you. Thinking about how this virus is nasty and how throwing up was always your least favorite kind of icky. It’s the gloomy weather and days when I’m alone that make me unable to see past the ugly and to all the great memories I have of us. 

I love you, Livy.

Love,
Momma