Dear Livy,
I haven’t been able to take a breath in nearly a week! Sage got sick, I got sick, daddy got sick and then all hell broke loose. Its a good thing you didn’t get sick too. Barfing was never your thing, but I wish more than ever you were here. I need you to slow me down and remind me that life matters. I feel like I’m in a race against myself. I’ve literally had to tell myself to STOP…and take a deep breath. 

I’ve been fantasizing about a trip to Hawaii. Where Sage, daddy and I would just lounge on the beach all day, go snorkeling and attend nightly luaus. Can you imagine? Being surrounded by sand would be a dream come true for you. We could just sit there and watch you pick it up and let the sand fall between your fingers, like you loved to do in our backyard, for hours on end. Just thinking about it is soothing.

Your brother turns 3 next month. That means we are in heavy duty transition mode. We are deep into assessments and evaluations. His IEP meeting will be here before we know it. We also have bone juice this month, tomorrow and Friday. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s much easier than it was the first time we went without you. Send us some good juju, would ya. 

I’m also planning to attend my first parent grieving group meeting next week. I’m nervous about that. I need the support, but I don’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of people who find our family over complicated…like the last “professional” we saw. I can’t get that psychologist out of my head. That was such a terrible experience. 

I love you, Liv. I had a Facebook memory yesterday that included a photo of you and I celebrating your 3 month birthday. You were sitting on my lap and you looked like such a big girl. It is one of those rare photos that was taken only a few weeks after your shunt surgery and almost a month before you were diagnosed with Epilepsy. I’ll never forget that roller coaster. No matter how many times we twisted and turned it was all worth it. 

Love,

Momma