Dear Olivia, 
The brain is a very powerful organ. I know this because of you. If it weren’t for the seizure that took control of your brain you’d still be here. 

Sometimes I tell myself that your at camp or somewhere special on a temporary basis, but that eventually you’re coming home. It’s these thoughts that get me through the hardest days when I miss you the most, but lately I haven’t had to think about it. I’m over consumed with stress and fear. When my head starts thinking about the noises, I tell myself that I have a job to do and that I need to focus…it works. 

If and when I die I hope the first thing I see is you. I hope that we hug so tight I instantly remember what it feels like.

I had no idea how much that thin pink yarn bracelet that I thought was no big deal and had little meaning really meant to me. It was the bracelet that the Palliative Care team tied on my wrist and everyone else’s who was with you that final day. It fell off me on 5/11. It fell off me the evening that I was planning to attend my first parent grieving meeting. I didn’t realize it was broken till I got home and started to get ready to leave. Thankfully it was tucked in my long sleeve shirt, but completely broken in half. I tied and tried to tie it back on me, but I couldn’t. I gave up. Was it a sign? 

I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. Your Dad’s hasn’t fallen off. I’m upset that mine did. I’m grateful that I have it and I know it sounds ridiculous, but I wanted mine to stay on the longest. I’m your Mom…and I needed it. More than anyone else who has one. 

I love you, Livy. 

Love,

Momma