Your brother and I have a nightly ritual. Before we go to bed we give your urn a kiss and tell you how much we miss you. Lately, your brother has also been adding, “I hope she comes out of that box soon. I really miss her.”
I’ve been trying to imagine what it feels like to be three and not understand the difference between gone and never coming back. Explaining that your not coming back is difficult. In Sage’s mind people who leave either come back after a while or we go visit them. He doesn’t get what forever is. His understanding of death is going to be an evolving process throughout his childhood. I’ve been struggling with how to make sure I’m supporting him the right way as he goes through it. Will he always be okay saying he has a sister or will it get too hard over time?
2017 has been so incredibly full of change for us, especially Sage. We haven’t been fans of any of the things we’ve had to deal with. In fact, we’ve hated it. In all fairness, a break from bad news would be nice.
I continue t share stories about you often and still cry regularly. The hole in my heart still remains and the feeling of devastation is still as real as it felt that first day. Time hasn’t healed me, but Sage and your Dad keep me going. Disability rights also keep me going. We had a March during Disability Capitol Action Day this year. Sage and I carried your handprint to the State Capitol with us. It made us feel like part of you was with us. It felt good. I think we’re going to take you with us on the NCIL march in DC next month too.
I love you, Livy. We miss you more and more each day.