Top Left Corner

Dear Olivia,

There are many things that we see in life through our own individualized tunnel vision. We don’t always realize how or when we may find ourselves looking at that space or point in time again, but from a different angel of the tunnel. I found myself in that place today.

That window on the top left corner is where I kissed you one last time and where we said our goodbyes. It was the room that we spent our last 24 hours together. Where I held you tight, slept beside you and told you over and over again how much I loved you. It was where your closest friends and family sang you songs and shared their favorite O stories.

When I drive past it on the freeway I’m never close enough to really get a good look at it or clearly remember the pain that came from being inside that window. Today I did.

The heart wrenching pain that came from having to park in that same lot, knowing exactly which spot I was in and had pulled out of eight months ago, was torture. Even the parking attendant remembered. In fact, I think he felt so bad seeing me again he let me park for free.

I knew going to our annual Skeletal Dysplasia Clinic appointment, where we would see many of your providers and doctors, wouldn’t be easy. I’ve been thinking about it and preparing myself all week. I just didn’t realize it would be as difficult as it was. I knew I’d have to parking in that parking lot and likely relive many sad memories, but seeing that window….the window to that room took me over the edge and on a four hour emotional rollercoaster. It took us all by surprise! Your dad, brother and the majority of people we had to see. I’ve gotten so good at hiding how I feel. Yet it all “bubbled out of me”, as one doctor described it. All it took was exiting the freeway and driving down that road and entering building. Not even the same building, but the one across the street.

I’ve gotten better at masking my emotions and most people would tell you I’m doing okay, sometimes I am. Just not today. I just wish we could have both been looking up at that window together saying to ourselves, that was a close one.

I miss you so much.


4 thoughts on “Top Left Corner

  1. Lou says:

    My heart has its own window that I try to not see when I’m near Marin General. I’m grateful that you’ve chosen to blog about your grief. It’s important for your healing, but also for everyone who encounters someone dealing with a profound loss. Sending you and your family so much love.


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